


a last goodbye.

by whoevencares



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Crying, Euthanasia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 15:54:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9332393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoevencares/pseuds/whoevencares
Summary: Ryan flies to Switzerland to legally commit euthanasia.This is a story of a last goodbye.





	

**Author's Note:**

> idk how to do italics properly  
> ignore it please

_“When you stop growing you start dying.” ― William S. Burroughs, Junky_

14th August 2009

Brendon smiles when he spots a handwritten letter in the midst of his post. As much as he loves mail, spam and bills are not the most fun thing to rip open. So finding an outlier is nothing but exciting.

Ripping open the beige envelope he reads…

_To Bren,_

_I'm sorry I had to quit the band. You're the last person on my list to tell._  
_I'm not going to be around much longer. I think quite a few people saw it coming, including you. Things weren’t looking pretty and I don't think I could have carried on like _that. You know? Touring, interviews, photo shoots. It got too much, so I left.__  
_I'm sorry. I really can't stress this enough._  
_I'll be flying to Switzerland on the 14th of August._  
_I hope you understand why I'm making this choice, and I fully accept if you don't._  
_____Please don't think of this as a negative end to my life. You've given me some of the best opportinuites I could ever have, and I'm eternally grateful._  
__My body is killing itself and the condition took a turn for the worst. I wouldn't wish the pain upon my worst enemy.  
__Best wishes for the future of the band, and you're success. I believe in you, and I know you can carry on.____

_-Ry_

Hands shaking and eyes burning Brendon fumbles to pick up his phone and flicks to Ryan's number. 

Ryan was supposed was going to get better. It was just the flu. This was never meant to ever happen.

"We're sorry but the person you're trying to call cannot be contacted at this moment. Please try again later and leave a mess-"

Smashing the end call button with his fist Brendon let out a whimper. 

He could feel his mind starting to stumble and break.

Reaching out for his phone again, he scrolled for Spencer's name as he resisted the strong urge to pelt the phone at the wall.

"Hey Br-"

"Spencer no this can't be happening. SPENCER. Spencer tell me this is a dream. You Have to. Then why did I get this letter" Shouted Brendon down the phone with a deep urgency. "Did you know? Did you? Did he tell you? I thought we were supposed to b-"

"Brendon, shut up for one momen-"

"And why did I get the letter only now. It says the 14th. That’s TODAY. And now he's not picking up his phone and-"

"Brendon," Spencer firmly spoke down the phone. "Shh, look it's going to be okay."

Deep throaty sobs were heaving out of him, and big fat tears were sliding down his cheeks by this point. He couldn't tell which way was up or down. It felt like he was freefalling from a plane thousands of feet up - but without the safety of a parachute.

"But it's n-not going to be okay" Brendon bawled. "I don't want to- I don't want to let him go."

"Do you want me at yours?" Spencer gently asked, as if Brendon was a fragile china doll.

Brendon was fragile. Pale and frail. Heart with a break. Taking breaths with an ache.

"No spin," He snivelled. 

Ending the call his guard of instantly fell and along with that came lots of tears too. 

He paces the room, pulling at his hair, scratching at his eyes, trying to wake up from this everlasting nightmare. His nose it snotty and runny, but he doesn't notice over the thundering in his ears. Every bone in his body is shaking and tearing apart. His throat burns from the screaming and he painfully swallows the rising bile back down.

"WHY?" He screams to the air. Maybe to a God, if he believed in one. "WHY?" He sobbed again. His voice was as raw as sandpaper by this point and nothing made sense. 

His rationality was locked away. Barred. Frozen. And all it could do was listen to the chanting of "WHY? WHY? WHY?"

 

15th August 2009

Brendon wakes to a vibration coming from under his arm. Having fallen asleep on the couch, there's a moment of confusion where he doesn’t remember setting alarm, but he moves to turn the thing off anyway. Slowly picking up the phone and rubbing at his sleep filled eyes he blinks.

And blinks again. Because, no? No.

Hitting the answer call button before he had time to blink again he shoves the phone next to his ear.

"Brendon?" A croaky voice calls out.

It's Ryan. It's really him. 

"Hello, you there?" His voice calls again.

Snapping out of his thoughts all he can think of is Ryan. Ryan. Ryan.

"Ryan," He cries. "Ryan, no please come back. Where are you? Why? You didn't even say goodbye. How co-"

"Brendon, I'm sorry. I'm guessing you got the letter then," Ryan says, his voice void of almost any emotion.

This isn't the Ryan he remembers. This is the Ryan who's so much closer to death than the one he would laugh and mess around on guitars with.

There's a pause before Brendon breaks it with "You're already there, aren’t you."

"Switzerland? Yes," His voice sounds numb and rough. This time sadness and the lack of hope seep through into his voice.

"Are you afraid?" 

"of whats to come?" He takes a breath before continuing. " Brendon. I've lived." He takes another breath. "I've lived a quality of life so high I cannot even think to complain. Nothing can get better from this point."

There a moment where the two of them choke on sobs together. No words being shared just emotion. The inevitable truth being accepted by both. 

"Ryan. Ry, please" Brendon pleads, "Just come back, we can have a movie night. Me and you. Like the old times."

Brendon takes his sleeve and wipes in across his face, trying to get rid of the layer of snot and tears on his face. There's no answer from Ryan, only his shuddery uneven breaths and short concealed sniffs. 

"Is this it then?" Brendon can't help the countless cracks in his words. 

He knows it blunt. But he needs closure. Just one word. Just a goodbye. Just and end.

"Goodbye Brendon." This time Ryan's voice is thick with sorrow and desolation. 

_"If you love me let me go" - This is Gospel_

And with short pause the call is ended. He doesn’t bother to end the call on his side, he just allows the phone to let out the static white noise for a while while he thinks.

 

After wiping his snot filled nose down the side of his snot covered sleeve, he chucks the phone directly at the wall which smashes on impact. 

Silence.

 

He's gone. I've lost him

 

Fin

\----------

Euthanasia is assisted suicide, where you chose to end your life. In Uk (where I live), most parts of the US and many other countries it is illegal to commit, or to help someone in committing. Switzerland is one of the few places in Europe in which it is legal.

Opinions and views on Euthanasia are conflicting, which makes it a difficult subject to solidify laws upon. In September of 2015 there was a debate in parliament which was the first ever serious attempt to change Britain's assisted suicide laws. Ultimately, the law didn't change.

In this fic, Ryan has a terminal illness which is not clearly stated and is dealing with the fact that he is is dying, but slowly and with every day it becomes more painful for him. I know It is legal in Washington, Oregon, California etc. but the concept of Ryan flying away from his home and going somewhere else to do it sounded symbolic or something idk.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this forever ago. Posting it because I can't be bothered to do anything with it.


End file.
